A mom recently posed this question to me: What should I do when people complement my daughter on her weight loss? Her 8 year old daughter was diagnosed with a gastrointestinal condition. The child's father also has the same condition, and he was able to improve his symptoms with a diet changes. The young child wanted to try to eat how her dad eats, and she made significant changes to her usual eating pattern.
Although there was no weight loss intent to the diet change, the new eating pattern was more satiating and nutrient-dense, and the child lost weight. The child was originally at a higher weight, and her weight change was noticeable. Mom grew concerned that people were completing her daughter on her weight loss and how good she looked with the lower weight.
To address this concern, I think we have to go back in time. This child is fortunate that she received positive messages about her body from when she was very little. She knew and felt that she was beautiful. It does not matter what size a child is. It is crucial that they grow up hearing messages about how wonderful and beautiful their body is. These messages do not need to change if the child's body size changes.
Next, we have to acknowledge what sort of messages our children hear outside our homes. At some point, any child will start to hear messages about thinness being prettier, gaining weight being bad, and the overall "importance" of body size for aesthetics. Because we can't prevent our children from hearing these messages, we have to have own responses to what they hear.
A good time to bring this discussion up is when you and your child together hear someone talk about the more typical view of body size and beauty. You can ask your child what they think of that viewpoint and why. You can state how you feel about bodies and beauty, and why you feel that way. You can discuss how body ideals have changed over time, and they are likely to continue to change over time.
While you do not have to educate others on how to impart healthy body messages, you can do that if you'd like. You might take the complementer aside and ask that they do not complement your daughter on her weight loss. If you want, you can explain how that sends the wrong message to your daughter about her body and her beauty. Or you can respond right then and say that your daughter has always been beautiful, and looking somewhat different has not made her more or less beautiful.
You can also use this inappropriate complement as a chance to educate your child on good social skills. Let your child know that what the person said was inappropriate--you don't value thinness as a beauty ideal, so their complement was out of line.
Addressing Unwanted Complements on Your Child's Weight Loss
It is important to give your child healthy body values. If you leave it to society, your daughter will likely hear some positive messages and many unhealthy messages. Make sure you communicate to your daughter what your values are and why. While you can't prevent your child from hearing unhelpful messages, you can prime them with accurate and positive messages.
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